Healing Takes Time: A Year of Healing and Writing

Health Update

These past few months, I focused on healing and keeping my commitment to my students (to the best of my ability. I finished teaching on May 21, 2021). Healing from cancer, in my case, Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma, is life-changing, takes time and nearly all of my energy. I had four rounds of chemotherapy. I would say a prayer each time the oncology nurses would insert the medicine into the IV line connected to my port, which I named Lucy. 

Shortly after I wrote the last blog entry, I entered the hospital for five days of chemotherapy. My body didn't take too well to the medicine being infused into my system. I had hallucinations and lost my appetite. I had to stay in the hospital an extra day to make sure I was eating. I wanted to go home so badly that I forced myself to start eating even though I wasn't hungry. But after a little while, I began to feel hungry. 

Dr. Paul, the medical oncologist, consulted with Banner's sarcoma specialist. They decided to forego the hospital stays in the future because the medicine caused such severe side effects, and most importantly, the other chemo drugs were working so well. The tumor had significantly reduced in size! I finished the final infusion on May 11, 2021. The oncology staff celebrated my final round of chemo. Here's a short video of the staff send-off. Click here. 

The side effects of the chemo included hair loss, nausea, my nails turned blackish (but none fell off), to list a few. The major side effect was extreme fatigue. I had never been so tired and weak in my life. It was like all my energy was zapped out of me. I didn't lose any weight. My family and friends made sure that I was up and eating every morning. 

I am surrounded with love and care, and for this, I am eternally grateful. So many people are praying for my healing. Thank you, my prayer warriors! Thank you, God.

It's been nine weeks since the last chemo, and I feel the energy returning. My hair is starting to grow back. I noticed it a couple of weeks ago. I never knew how much I appreciate eyebrows! I look like somewhere in between a zen master and Demi Moore in GI Jane! But, I am enjoying watching my hair grow. The simple joys of many things I took for granted in the past.

The next phase is radiation to disrupt the DNA of the cancer cells so they cannot replicate. Early in this process, a friend suggested proton beam therapy, which is different from the traditional radiation, which uses photon light. When I mentioned it to Dr. Kumar, the radiation oncologist at Banner, he thought I might be a good candidate for it. The Mayo Clinic is the only place that offers proton beam treatment, so Dr. Kumar sent a referral to Mayo for me to get a consult, a second opinion. I soon received a call from Mayo and started the process with a radiation oncology nurse, Jacque Reiff. She has been a guiding light, an angel, during the process. Unfortunately, the insurance company that I had was not contracted with Mayo, but Jacque would do everything in her power to at least get me the consult. Eventually, after several months, many calls to a different insurance company, referrals from a new primary physician, I was able to get the consult! Thank you, Jacque! And Thank you, God!!

The Mayo consult was with Dr. Jonathan Ashman on June 28, 2021. He agreed that proton beam therapy would be the best for me, especially because of the tumor's location, which is located in my left nasal cavity (it's a fraction of what it used to be). It's still close to my left eye, which might affect my vision. But Dr. Ashman thinks the likelihood is low. I will have 33 sessions of treatment, Monday-Friday, for six-and-a-half weeks. I had my preliminary appointments on Thursday, July 8, 2021. I had a mask made to keep my head in place for when the proton beam is being administered to the tumor. Here is a photo of the mask. I named her Gloria in honor of Gloria Anzaldúa, whose work has been important to my dissertation journey! Vamanos Gloria, let's do this!  

Dissertation Update

The deep fatigue I experienced from the chemo kept me on the couch, exhausted, spent (what little energy I did have during the "good days" I used on completing the classes I was teaching). As a result, I didn't make as much progress on my dissertation as I wanted. But, I was able to edit the transcripts of the interviews, which I call pláticas, and completed two and a half of the five interviews during the chemo treatments. I finished the other two and a half after I finished chemo but before the end of June. 

I utilized the transcripts that Zoom provided. I went through the videos and the transcripts, line-by-line, making sure that they were correct. Sometimes what Zoom "heard" and what the women priests said were very different. Like the following examples: 

• One of the women priests said, "pray about it," Zoom translated it as "Pre abomination." 
• Another time, the priest said, "then the bishop got mad," Zoom inserted "vicious" for bishop. 
• In another instance, the priest said, "so Rome doesn't own Catholicism," Zoom inserted "wrong" for Rome. 
• The priest also said, "you had these seven women who were ordained," Zoom inserted "or dang" for ordained. 
• Finally, the woman priest said, "Then the diocese started sending out spies trying to figure out who are these men who keep ordaining women," Zoom inserted "give or damning" for keep ordaining.

So very interesting. I wonder who creates the algorithm for the transcriptions! Someone could do major research on the Zoom transcriptions! So many times, I found myself cracking up and laughing. 

After I finished chemo, May 11, 2021, my energy started returning, little by little. It seemed like the further I was from May 11, the more energized I felt. I have to be careful not to overdo it. I like to describe my energy like this: before chemo, let's say my energy was at 100%, after chemo, my energy level dropped to 10%-20%, now my energy level feels more like 60%. I'm not back to where I was, but I'm much, much better. 

After I edited the pláticas, interviews, I began coding them. I first "pre-coded" them, reading through the transcripts line-by-line to see what "jumped" out at me, what inspired me. The transcripts are in Excel spreadsheets, so I created two more columns,  "notable quotes" and "pre-codes". I completed all five pláticas. 

Then I decided to listen to the Zoom audio recordings of each of the pláticas. When I watched the Zoom videos, I found that I could get too focused on what I was seeing. I really wanted to hear the women priests' words, inflection, emotion. I labeled another column, "listening to the audio," and inserted more pre-codes. By focusing on the sounds and words of the plática, I heard, listened more deeply. I was able to listen to all five pláticas in this way. 

Now, I'm ready for coding. I reread the research questions and refreshed my memory on the process of coding. I coded the research questions too, which can help me connect my questions to what I actually find. I started on the first plática yesterday. I'm looking forward to learning from the data, from the pláticas, from the women priests. They have so much to share. I'm very blessed for this opportunity. 

Another update, I didn't get the dissertation completion fellowship for the coming year, but instead, I was awarded a summer dissertation completion fellowship which is a great help! I decided not to work this coming year and to focus on healing and writing my dissertation. God-willing May 2022, I will graduate with my Ph.D.! I'm thankful for the time to devote to healing and writing! Thank you, God!